In Defense of Teenagers

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6. Recently when I was reading this verse I had to wonder if Solomon had any teenagers when he wrote this. Now I realize teenagers aren’t what we would consider old, but something seems to go drastically wrong in those years between innocent childhood and fully mature adulthood. It seems like an unwritten rule of teenagers that they must do their best to disprove Solomon’s words. Well I don’t know if Solomon had any teenagers when he wrote this, but thankfully I do know that Yahweh knew what He was doing when he inspired Solomon to write this passage.

As a father of one child who is almost through these teenage years, another one that is just about there, and regularly interacting with many others in the body of Messiah, I am going to defend these sometimes rebellious, often attitude-challenged people we know as teenagers. Yes I know it seems like a daunting task, trying to defend the very people who give us one of the biggest challenges we face in trying to be successful parents. After all, for parents, the teen years seem to define the terms, grief, misery, hardship, trying to keep our sanity, etc. But if we keep the big picture in mind it doesn’t seem so bad.

We start out at point A, which I want you to think of as cute, cuddly childhood. We end up at point C, which is mature, responsible adulthood. The in between part, point B is sometimes the most difficult time for us to keep the big picture in our minds. I just want you to remember that this torture of raising a teenager only lasts for six or seven years. Unless of course you have a big family, then you might be in it for the long haul.

In the Beginning (They’re So Perfect)

Babies are really a wonderful creation. They’re cute, cuddly, innocent, and adorable. Yahweh couldn’t have designed a more perfect human being for a mother and father to bond to. Loving parents have a natural affection and love for this beautiful little child. As parents, there is nothing more wonderful than having the responsibility of molding this new person into someone who will lead a life pleasing to our Heavenly Father. It’s an awesome responsibility, but one that most of us eagerly embrace.

As a child grows, develops, and matures into the toddler years and further into childhood, a parent faces some new challenges, but nothing that a lot of love and some corrective action won’t overcome. Proverbs 22:15 says,” Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; [But] the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” And Proverbs 29:15 says, “The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left to himself causes shame to his mother.” It seems the most loving thing we can do for our children at this point in their young lives is to teach them to be self-disciplined. I’m a big advocate of having children of this age learn responsibility through household chores, or caring for a family pet. There is also a benefit to getting them involved in music or some other activity that forces them to set goals and meet certain expectations. It’s really never too early to start.

While not quite so innocent or dependent as a baby, older children still have that unconditional love for their parents. Just watch a child between the ages of about three and twelve. Oftentimes they are younger images of one of their parents. Not only in looks, but in mannerisms, speech patterns, and what they like and dislike. At these ages the most important thing for the child is to please his parents. Life is good for the parent and child. There’s a lot of harmony and peace in the family. Everybody is happy and content. Then the bottom drops out.

How it All Starts

One day you’re dropping your daughter off at school. You lean over to give her a good-bye kiss on the cheek like you’ve done a million times before, but this time she doesn’t want anything to do it. She jumps out of the car, quickly closes the door and runs to join some friends heading for the building. This is how it all starts. It could be any activity your child once was honored to participate in along with you or your spouse. Suddenly it’s not cool to do things with mom or dad anymore. What was once a cherished activity between you and your kid, is now a source of embarrassment for them. They’ve entered the adolescent years.

About this same time your child will probably start to question many of the family rules he previously held as sacred. It’s no longer good enough that “mom and dad made the rules so I will gladly follow them”. It is now a case of “why should I do that?” There is a whole shift in attitude. Whereas you could once placate your child with a little cheering up, your teenager wants nothing to do with that. He just wants you out of his face. He would rather put on the headphones to his stereo and isolate himself in the small refuge known as his bedroom than to be cheered up by you.

Sometimes this transition from child to teenager is gradual and can be handled relatively easily. For other families the change is sudden and difficult to deal with. Furthermore boys and girls each make this transition in different ways, dealing with different issues. How your family reacts to these few years in your teen’s life can impact the relationship you have with your child for the rest of your lives. So what’s the story? Are teenagers just incorrigible, hopelessly lost people, or are they reacting in just the way our Heavenly Father designed them?

Making the Case

I’m going to contend that all of the rough times your son or daughter will put you through until they become adults are for their benefit and yours. I don’t think the rotten attitudes and distant relationship during these trying years is a design flaw, but rather a means for our creator to insure a lifelong, strong relationship between parents and their adult children. Let’s look at how it works.

We all understand that as a child enters adolescence he goes through many physical changes. Besides distinguishing facial features in boys and girls, the outward appearance of their bodies is really quite similar before puberty. Once children start into adolescence boys and girls become obviously different in their looks and features. At the same time the inward workings of the body go through drastic changes. The same hormones and chemicals that change the outward appearance also change what is going on inside, including brain functions. Biology dictates all of these changes. In other words it is almost impossible for your sweet, innocent child to remain that way. It’s just not the way Yahweh designed your son or daughter.

All of this chemistry makes it really difficult for your son or daughter to keep their emotions and desires in balance. Most girls have an especially difficult time dealing with their emotions. They seem to have a lot of highs and lows. Most boys on the other hand have to deal with the concept of lust for the first time in their lives. This makes for some very interesting interaction with parents, siblings, and friends.

The ironic thing is that as parents we have been through all of this ourselves, but we often seem to forget how hard it was to be a teenager. Even as our children struggle for independence, which we hoped for and encouraged when they were younger, we now want to put the clamps on them and hold them back from what comes naturally. So what it all boils done to is that your teenager really can’t be blamed for the changes he is going through. The question now becomes what is acceptable behavior from your teenage son or daughter in light of these facts? As a parent how do you respond to this new person who lives with you?

At the beginning of this section I stated that all of the tough times we go through in raising our adolescent children is for their benefit and ours. Let’s think about that for a minute. As individuals how do we grow spiritually and emotionally? Isn’t it through the affliction and trials we go through in our lives? When everything in our lives sails along with hardly a ripple we tend to get sort of fat and lazy in our attitudes and demeanor. Normally real growth only comes about when Yahweh can knock the rough edges from our personalities through testing and hardship. He forces us to become better people, by lifting ourselves to His standards. So it is with teenage trials and hardships.

This brings us back to the question, how do we parents respond to our teenage rebels? I think the answer lies in remembering how your Heavenly Father responds to you as His child. When you get an attitude or find yourself in rebellion to His authority what is His response? Does he just let you do as you please with no consequences? Does He come down on you so hard that your spirit feels crushed? Or does He gently correct you, to form you into the mature child he wants you to be? It seems to me that our behavior towards our Heavenly Father often mimics an adolescent’s behavior towards his parents.

Hebrews 12:5-11 says, “my son, do not regard lightly the discipline of Yahweh, nor faint when you are reproved by him for those whom Yahweh loves he disciplines and he scourges every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you endure; Elohim deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

So there we have it. Discipline is good. It is the way we eventually share in our Father’s holiness. Extending the concept to our teenage children then, surely it’s our desire that they share in that holiness as well. Discipline, correction, and rebuke are all things we must use in raising our children, but we must also remember the types of discipline we use in correcting our young children rarely work when they get older. You will need to be creative and gentle, but at the same time firm in applying discipline. Most teenagers hate rules, but they absolutely cannot live without rules. They need firm guidance coupled with a lot of love.

Conclusion

Well, I set out to defend teenagers. It is my hope that even as you ride out the rough times they bring into your life as a parent, you will continually see the potential they hold as eternal children of Yahweh. We need to trust the inspired words of the proverb. Train your child in the way he should go and he’ll stick with it when he becomes an adult. And consider the following scripture, “The just [man] walks in his integrity: his children [are] blessed after him.” Proverbs 20:7. The way your children act and the attitudes they hold has everything to do with the example you set for them. Do you want your children to be blessed? Then walk with integrity.

Give your teenagers a lot of love. Set clear boundaries for them. Each parent should set aside special time with each of your teens. Many studies have shown that a teenage daughter with a strong, loving, involved, father will be much more successful as a wife and mother later in her life. Most of all don’t sweat those trying years, whether you are the parent or the child. From an eternal view it all passes in the blink of an eye.

Scott Leys