Balaam’s Donkey by Bethany Blair, a skit Performed 10/19/08 during the FOT for the Fellowship.

Requires something to use as “wall”, a rope and/or blanket, baskets/boxes, and cards.

Characters:

Anne

Sue

Balaam

Nod Ssa-Yek

Al

Capone

Soldier #1

Soldier #2

Rescue Leader

Bill

Ninja Angel

Anonymous Percussionist (optional)

Tech. crew:

Requires someone for operating the lights

Stage positions from point of view of audience.

Scene 1

Sue and Anne at front center stage. Lights on.

Both Sue and Anne : Welcome

Sue: I’m Sue

Anne: And I’m Anne

Both: We represent the Animal Injustice League

Sue: We’re here to tell a true life story. A story containing theft, bribery, anger, pride, and most of all injustice! The cruel story of a mistreated donkey.

Anne: We have searched and searched for the lost writings of Nod Ssa-Yek; passed down from generation to generation, translated into many different languages. We found them in the hooves of a cow named Rose…

Sue interrupts: How she came to have them, no one knows. Her line is being studied now, and we think there might have been some cross-breeding a while back…

Anne interrupts: But…the point is, we have them. And we are ready to share them with the world…

Sue interrupts: In the form of a play of course.

Anne: You might be wondering, who is this Nod Ssa-Yek?...

Sue interrupts: Well, he was there. He saw it, he heard it, and he experienced it. He ( dramatic pause ) was Balaam’s donkey. …Don’t you have something to say?

Anne: I don’t think there’s anything left.

Sue: Really? That was easier than I thought it would be.

Anne: Yeah.
Sue: Did it go by fast for you as well?

Anne: You have no idea. You know Sue…

Sue interrupts: We should start now right? We’ve kept them waiting a while, haven’t we?

Anne: SUE!

Sue: Yes?

Anne: … Oh, never mind.

Sue: Are you sure?

Anne: ( nods yes )

Sue: Oh well. … Enjoy the show! ( walking off ) I think they’ll like it, don’t you? Lights off.

Scene Two

Al and Capone front left stage, with assorted equipment to capture a donkey. A few people on all fours, front center and right. Nod Ssa-Yek in front center. Lights on.

Al: Which one are we stealing today Capone? Shouldn’t we get a younger one this time? Some balance, ya’ know.

Capone: We are getting the ultimate donkey today Al. THAT ONE! (point)

Al: THAT ONE?! Gee. I dunno. He looks kinda tough. Can’t we go younger? Get a baby or something?

Capone: No, Al, we’re getting the big one this time. This one’ll fetch us some real money. Get it, fetch?

Anonymous Percussionist runs out to drums, or is already there, and plays, ‘da-da-shsh’. Leaves.

( Each stare at drummer and shake their heads. Al continues. )

Al: Dude, dogs fetch, not donkeys.

Capone: They can too. ( Al moves to interrupt ) Never mind. Now, on the count of three. One…

Al: WAIT! You haven’t told me the plan yet!

Capone: Wing it.

Al: We always wing it.

Capone: Exactly. …What did you expect?

Al: I just thought…maybe we could plan it this time.

Capone: Plan it?! Where’s the fun in that? The unexpected, that’s what we do.

Al: (mumbles) Unexpected, huh? I’ll tell you what’s unexpected, a plan from you. That’s unexpected.

Capone: What did you say?

Al: Nothing. …(sigh) On the count of three.

Capone: Right. One, two, THREE!

Both jump Nod Ssa-Yek, covering him/her with a blanket and tying a rope around the neck. Lights go off during this.

Scene 3

Al and Capone in outdoor market setting ( baskets and boxes ), Nod Ssa-Yek in-between them with rope around neck. Front left stage. Lights on.

Capone: Start shouting prices Al.

Al: Why do I always have to shout? It’s wearing my lungs out.

Capone: Look…

Al: Ok! Don’t go into a speech, please. DONKEY FOR SALE! PRICE DISCUSSED IN PERSON! DOOONNKEY! VERY AFFORDABLE! ( stop to cough )

Capone: Great… someone’s coming. Keep it up.

Al: DON-key. ( Balaam there ) Hey.

Balaam: Donkey for sale?

Capone: Yes, a fine donkey.

Al: (mumbles) Oh yeah, fine donkey. Gave me a black eye.

Balaam: How much?

Capone: For such a fine beast… thirty shekels.

Balaam and Al: THIRY SHEKELS???!!!

Capone: YES, thirty. ( glaring at Al ) Look how strong he is. ( Pulls rope and pushes the rump to no effect. The donkey does not move. )

Balaam: That just shows he’s stubborn.

(Al nods, as in ‘He has a point’ )

Capone: He’s a male donkey, what do you expect? With proper treatment, he’ll be fine.

Al: ( mumbles ) Proper treatment. You didn’t give him proper treatment on the way here.

Balaam: I suppose you’re right. But…twenty is my limit. My wife would kill me.

Capone: Oh, I see. ( All three put right fist over heart, right foot forward, and step high, looking up )The hardships us men endure. ( All return to normal positions ) Well, for a fellow sufferer, twenty is good.

Balaam: Great!

Al: What’s your name? For the owners license, ya’ know. ( pulls out paper a pen )

Balaam: Oh. Balaam. Balaam son of Beor.

Al: (mumbles) Sounds like something from Lord of the Rings.

Balaam: It’s in the Bible.

Light off.

Scene 4

Setting is Balaam’s house. Balaam middle center stage, donkey in ‘yard’ front left, Soldier #1 with Balaam. Light on.

Balaam: Curse them? I don’t know. I’ll have to sleep on it. ( Lays down immediately. Stretches, yawns, etc. Jumps back up. )

Soldier #1: Done already?

Balaam: Yeah. I have trouble sleeping.

Soldier #1: Too bad.

Balaam: Yes. …Pity me. …But anyway, He said no. Sorry.

Soldier #1: Alright, see ya.

Balaam: Yep, visit again soon. Maybe we can have a guy’s night sometime with a couple friends.

Soldier #1: ( while leaving toward right end of stage ) Sounds great. …I’ll run it by my wife.

Lights off.

Scene 5

Still Balaam’s house. All in same positions, but with Soldier #2 by Soldier #1. Lights on.

Balaam: Back so soon? Is your wife of a different species? ( chuckles )

Soldier #1: No…well…uh…That’s not why I came. King wants you again.

Balaam: Cursing? Again? ( Soldiers nod ) I already said no.

Soldier #2: The King is willing to pay any price. You name it.

Balaam: Are you bribing me?! ( outraged )

Soldier #2: Yes.

Balaam: Oh. Well… I’ll think about it. ( smack head hard with hand ) Ok.

Soldier #2: Done already?

Balaam: How long do you think my head could stand that?! Yes I’m done. We’ll leave immediately!

Soldier #1: Alright. Load up. ( Soldiers and Balaam go to front left stage toward donkey )

Balaam: Finally, an opportunity to test my new donkey. ( Balaam “rides” donkey, soldiers are a few steps ahead traveling exaggeratedly slowly across the front of the stage. )

Lights flicker-Angel appears in front of Balaam and donkey ( from off left stage ), waving arms around and making ‘ninja noises’; donkey walks off road.

Balaam: ( Gets off donkey ) What’s the matter with you?

Soldier #2: Come on!

Balaam: One second. ( turns back to donkey ) Come on, don’t be like this. ( pushes and pulls. Donkey kicks Balaam ) Hey! Don’t do that. I don’t want to have to hurt you. ( pushes )

Lights flicker- Angel goes to where came from. Donkey moves back onto road.

Balaam: Good. I guess some threats will do the trick with you. ( All walk a few ways, still slowly )

Lights flicker- Angel comes and moves in same way. Donkey moves close to “wall”

Balaam: ( off of donkey ) Hey!

Soldier #2: Hurry up, we’re wasting daylight.

Balaam: What are you, a cowboy? I’m trying!

Soldier #2: Well try harder.

Balaam: ( speaking to donkey ) You know what? Fine! I’ll just leave you. ( Walks away and looks back, expecting the donkey to follow ) Wait, that only works with kids. ( Walks back to donkey and hops on. )

Lights flicker- Angel leaves. Donkey moves.

Soldier #2: Finally. Now, let’s go!

Balaam: Huh…That was weird.

( All travel slowly on )

Lights flicker- Angel comes and acts as ninja. Donkey lays down.

Balaam: ( Gets off ) Aaah!!! You stupid, worthless, piece of dung! ( Takes off shoe and hits the donkey on the ‘rump’ )

Nod Ssa-Yek: Ok. ( Stands up ) E-nough! You’ve treated me like a common pack animal, a child, and now a punching bag. I’ve had it!

Balaam: Well stop making me look like an idiot!

Nod Ssa-Yek: You don’t need me for that… Wait…Aren’t you shocked that I’m speaking?

Balaam: No. Not really.

Nod Ssa-Yek: …Why?

Balaam: I just got done reading Narnia.

Nod Ssa-Yek: Oh. Good book.

Balaam: Yeah.

Nod Ssa-Yek: But…that’s straying from the point. Why are you hitting me?! I’ve saved your worthless life three times now.

Balaam: What?

Nod Ssa-Yek: Look. ( Points at ninja angel. )

Ninja Angel: Wwaaa! ( ninja position )

Balaam: Oh.

Nod Ssa-Yek: Yeah

Rescue team rushes in from off of left stage. Bill grabs donkey and Leader holds Balaam.

Balaam: What’s going on? Hey! That’s my donkey! Who are you?

Leader ( flat voice ): Animal Injustice League. We have reason to believe that you have mistreated your animal.

Balaam: Well he…

Bill interrupts: Yes or no. Did you or did you not beat your donkey?

Balaam: I hit him with a shoe, but it’s all ok now.

Leader: Uh-huh. Where’s your owners license?

Balaam: Oh. Right here. ( Hands over paper Al and Capone gave him )

Leader: Balaam? Aren’t you that prophet?

Balaam: The prophet. Yes, I am.

Leader: Bill, come here. ( Bill walks over ) Look at this.

Bill: A fake.

Balaam: What?!

Leader: We’ll be leaving you now. Here’s your court order. We’ll decided there if you can keep your donkey. Let’s go boys. ( They leave to off right stage )

Balaam: ( Looks at Ninja Angel ) Can I go now?

Ninja Angel: Well, I was going to give this long speech saying you can’t, but I just got word that He said ‘Yes.’ …Again. So go ahead.

Lights flicker- Angel leaves to where came from.

( Soldiers had been playing cards and/or chatting the whole time. )

Soldier #2: K. For the last time: Let’s go!

Balaam: Sorry. Slight delays. …Gees. That was an experience.

Soldier #1: What was?

Balaam: Didn’t you see….? ( Soldiers’ faces blank ) Oh, never mind.

Soldier #2: Good. Less chat and more moving. ( Soldiers walk faster and exit off stage right while Balaam and Nod Ssa-Yek continue moving across front of stage. )

Balaam: So, what do I call you? Just… ‘Donkey’? Or…oh! Do I get to name you?!

Nod Ssa-Yek: No. ( flatly )

Balaam: Oh, how come? How about … Morse?

Nod Ssa-Yek: I already have a name.

Balaam: Where’d you get a name?

Nod Ssa-Yek: Previous owner. Nice girl. Named Little Bo Peep.

Balaam: Isn’t she a shepherdess?

Nod Ssa-Yek: Was. She switched because all her sheep run away.

Balaam: Too bad. But, what’s your name?

Nod Ssa-Yek: ( speak like James Bond ) Ssa-Yek. Nod Ssa-Yek.

The End